Joy Found Between Two Conflicting Emotions
I sat through a church service the other day with my heart filled with gratitude for an answered prayer in my life. Yet, at the very same time, disappointment sat within me too.
We went through praise and worship before the lead pastor stepped up and asked us to greet our neighbours and tell them what we had eaten for breakfast. I hardly ever participate in these ice-breaker moments pastors get us to do, but this Sunday was different.
Before the service started and as I took my seat, the lady sitting to my left greeted me with the warmest smile. As I greeted her back, I couldn’t help but notice how well put together she was! Her hair neatly styled, nails, make-up, and her Sunday fit. My kind of girl, I thought to myself.
With that context, you can imagine that I turned to my neighbour and told her what I had for breakfast. She laughed and replied, “that’s exactly what I had!”
Despite the two biggest emotions currently burning through me, for a moment I forgot about them and found myself anticipating the Word for the day. The guest pastor came up and introduced his sermon – A Miracle and a Mistake Existing in the Same Place. To my overwhelmed mind, I knew exactly why I was at church that day and why I needed to hear that specific sermon.
2022 was a pivotal year for me. I experienced some of my highest highs and some of my lowest lows. Coming out of that season and finding myself in a place where I am deeply grateful while also carrying significant disappointment has been an interesting experience and a reminder of year 2022.
Life has a way of serving us two conflicting realities at the same time. It almost feels as though we should choose one or the other, yet both require processing. Both hold lessons. Both deserve reflection.
What the disappointment holds in my life currently
If you had told me in my 20s about some of the disappointments I would eventually face, I probably would have asked, “Which ones are within my control so I can avoid them?” Some heartaches have been easier to bear. Others were completely outside of my control, which somehow made them easier to release.
But the most difficult disappointments are the ones where you can see the giant standing before you. You have an opportunity to address it, confront it, or walk away from it, yet circumstances require you to remain in the process and allow it to run its course.
Those are the disappointments that truly drench the heart.
VS
The gratitude beaming in my heart
This answered prayer has exceeded every expectation I had. I am beaming with joy because there was a point where I genuinely thought it would never happen in my lifetime.
Recently I travelled to KZN, and as we passed the final toll gate before entering Durban, I found myself reflecting on how limited my mindset was when I lived there. I was so confined by my circumstances that I couldn’t see beyond them. Having grown from that crippling mindset, it shocked me to realise just how small my view of life once was.
This answered prayer has made a bold statement and not only in my own life, but in the lives of those around me.
And yet, here I am. Filled with gratitude and joy, while carrying an ache of disappointment in the very same season.
Then the pastor said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“A miracle and a mistake existed together in Abraham’s household. Two sons he dearly loved, yet he was faced with the difficult reality of dealing with Ishmael and his mother so that Isaac and his mother could grow in a conducive environment.”
The moment he said that I immediately pictured my gratitude and disappointment living together in my heart…Depending on the day, one tries to suffocate the other. Each fights for attention. Fighting to define my season.
Despite the quarrels in my heart, God has revealed Himself to me as the giver and carrier of joy. This season has taught me the true meaning of compartmentalising emotions and putting each one where it belongs. I have learnt that two conflicting emotions can exist within me at the same time, but I still get to decide which one receives authority. I have experienced the kind of joy that surpasses understanding. The kind of joy that exists even in difficult seasons because joy was never meant to be tied only to victories.
I have come to understand that joy is not happiness but through joy, we can experience some of life’s greatest happiness.
What this season has taught me is the importance of processing every emotion and reflecting on what it is feeding within us.
What to do should you find yourself in my situation?
- Acknowledge them all.
- Know how to define them by their traits. Learn to call things by name so that when you are dealing with them, you call each by name
- Choose what you will do with each conflicting emotion. Remember that this is your life. It is worth fighting for.
Disappointment has taught me accountability. It has taught me that I do not have to carry this emotion everywhere I go. It has taught me that although I may feel disheartened, I do not have to live there every day.
There are beautiful things happening in my life…I’m currently living in my answered prayers season and there’s advancement taking place. And this disappointment, while real, is only one part of the story.
As I left church encouraged and nourished, may you be reminded of this:
Life can serve us two conflicting emotions at the same time. We can acknowledge them both without allowing them equal authority. Let us deal with the mistakes, process the disappointments, and learn the lessons they carry, so that when the miracle arrives, it can take centre stage exactly as God intended.
Image Cred: Photo by Dmitry Lee on Unsplash
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