Myths about marriage

Two weeks ago I celebrated my third year in marriage, all by God’s grace. As I reflected on my marriage, I began to separate what is the truth about marriage, and what is not. I’ve always been observant of my life and my marriage, but last year was an eye opener for me as I got to observe different marriages and how some people view marriage.

It was also evident that the devil is fighting so hard to ensure that marriages are viewed undesirably. More and more people start to lose hope in the union of marriage.

In my 3 years in marriage, I have also come to realise the lies we’ve believed that are not even close to the truth.

You stay the same

Change is inevitable. Nothing stays the same. As you grow old and mature, you will notice that even your taste in things changes. Why then, are you expecting your spouse to stay the same person you married?

There are situations that will happen in your marriage/life that will change your view on life such as the loss of a loved one, an accident that leaves one of you paralysed; sickness; finances and infidelity. These situations and some similar, changes one’s view. I have met a couple who never recovered from the loss of their child and ended up divorcing. I have heard of a couple who divorced after not coping with an accident that left one of them paralysed and unable to work.

Circumstances change us. It is bound to happen, however, the prayer for your spouse should be for them to change for the better and stick together.

Marriage counselling = problems in marriage

That stigma needs to be dealt with! It’s disappointing that people associate counselling with problems when it’s not. Every married couple should have an appointment with their marriage counsellors once a month to touch base and to remain accountable and transparent. Not only that, these are people who can give you a better perspective as the both of you might be too clouded in your opinions.

Have people who have the same values as you on marriage to guide you. The counsellors are not replacing God in your marriage. They are there to advise, but you make the final decision.
NB: It also doesn’t mean that if you have counsellors you will never encounter problems.

Everyone cheats

Nothing annoys me like this statement, but I have noticed that the people who believe it are the very ones that cheat. Not every man cheats, and not every woman cheats. I refuse for it to be a norm in my life. Young girls are being told this so that they know how to handle disappointment in case their husbands cheat. It is not true that marriages are standing strong because of infidelity. It is not true that your marriage is boring if you are not cheating.

You might say “Temo, you don’t know the world we live in”. I know it because you and I live in the same planet. I know that temptation is everywhere! They are visible in music videos as well. In my home we don’t watch music videos that are like a complete strip show video. We don’t watch movies that have nudity and sex scenes. We don’t watch porn. We don’t go to places where we might be tempted to cheat. I don’t attend most work events without my husband. You know why? Because temptation is all around us! However, it is a choice.

Cheating doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts with a text or a phone call, flirting here and there and ends up in the bedroom. B and I kind of work in the same industry. Our industry is packed with invites and what seems to be trendy. We choose where we go and who we hang out with. We have set boundaries for ourselves.

It is a myth that everyone cheats. I don’t cheat, so it can’t be everyone. Don’t go into marriage and through marriage believing that everyone cheats. Choose what kind of a marriage you want and work towards that. The world has its views on how marriage should be. Choose your view.

Children make a marriage better

“How long have you been married? Oh! You two should start having babies now”. I get that all the time. What’s funny is it doesn’t come from our family. It comes from people we know. People who will not even offer to babysit or invest in our child’s future. They just want to see us pregnant and feel like we have fulfilled our purpose in marriage.

When you get married, you and your spouse are a family. God has already blessed you. You don’t become a family when you have kids. Children are not in your life to make your marriage better. Only God can make it better and stronger.

The same God, is the God who cares about your plans as a couple. His word says: Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? See, if you agree over the plans you have made, plans that don’t contradict God’s word, then the third party can pray all they want, God will not honour their plan over you and your spouse’s plans. God cares about unity, and values order. (That’s the power of unity!)

Let’s stop making couples feel like they are selfish when they have chosen not to have children now or ever.

Let’s respect their decisions when they choose not to have children because they are pursuing their purpose or because they feel they don’t have this and that in place.

Can we stop asking couples we are not close to when are they having children. In fact, if a couple wants you to know when they are planning to have children, they will share that information with you. If they haven’t, they probably don’t want you to know.
Other couples might be trying and having challenges and there you are bombarding them with questions. Let’s allow couples to do life the way it best fits them.

Sex will always be the order of the day

I’d love for it to be the order of the day because it is soo good JJJ! But it is not. When I got saved I chose to be celibate. So, B and I hadn’t seen each other naked until the night of our wedding day. We were both excited and looking forward to it as we were reading a book titled Sheet Music ( A must read Christian sex book) a month before.. Hmm!

I remember the first time a week went by without being intimate, I thought there was something wrong with our sex life! LOL! However now, as I grow in marriage I realise that frequency doesn’t define your sex life. Your sex frequency is impacted by the seasons of life you’re in.”

A lot of things can factor into you and your spouse not being on a sex high every day. Things like your work schedules; not going to be bed at the same time; body changes and having young kids. That can reduce the frequency of your sex life. That doesn’t mean your marriage is ending, you two must adjust and schedule time for the two of you to be intimate.

So yes, married people don’t have sex every day.

This year I have chosen to go back to school part time and study towards my Honours. This has forced me to strictly manage my time without neglecting my priorities and passions. As you have noticed, I will not be posting a monthly new blog like I have always done it. Every quarterly works best for me at this moment. I hope you will still look forward to reading the posts and sharing your thoughts with me as we continue to live life from the inside and being present in every moment.

“Everyone has their view on what marriage is and how it should be, but you have a decision on how your marriage should be. If you desire a Godly marriage, look to God at all times. Marriage works and I love being married.”

Read More

Do you know your triggers?

Do you know your triggers? I remember my phone ringing just after midnight on the 20 th of July 2016 and it was my cousin. I didn’t answer, thinking it was probably a mistake. Seconds later, Bongani’s phone rang and judging by his response, it wasn’t good news at all....

read more

Boundaries…A journey to your happily ever after

Boundaries...A journey to your happily ever afterI visited home 4 months after my wedding and made it a point to visit the people I did life with, including some of the mamas from my previous home cell. I remember one of them asked how my father in law was, and I...

read more